


A Matter of Rolls

by KattheCat



Category: Exiles Saga and Galactic Milieu - Julian May
Genre: Angst, Crack, Drama, Gen, Humor, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 13:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11760546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KattheCat/pseuds/KattheCat
Summary: Jack thinks he’s found an amusing way to judge whether someone is Good, Neutral or Evil by the way they treat toilet rolls. Uncle Rogi thinks there’s probably worse methods.





	A Matter of Rolls

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from Julian May’s worlds; Julian May does. No copyright infringement is intended; I am only borrowing these characters.

EARTH 2065

Andrew: “Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny…”  
Xander: “Say Skywalker and I smack you.”

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Episode 7.12 ‘Potential’

 

On one sunny day the bell on the door of Rogi Remillard’s bookshop jingled to announce Jack Remillard. The teenager was holding a folded piece of paper he had brought out of a pocket, a look of restrained mischief on his face.

Rogi was wary of a lot of his super-powered relatives, but he always had time for his young great-great-grandnephew. It was a quiet time anyway.

“Hello, Ti-Jean. What’s that you’ve got?”

Jack grinned and then looked self-conscious. “Hi, Uncle Rogi. You’ll probably think it’s a teenage boy thing, but I came across this chart I liked. It says whether you’re good, neutral or evil… based on your toilet rolls.”

Since both Jack and his Uncle Rogi were telepaths, it would be easy to transmit the chart as data mind to mind. But for Jack, it was somehow more satisfying – and funnier – to have a physical printout he could actually unfold. Also, Uncle Rogi could be grumpy at the best of times, and unwilling to drop his mental shields unless it was really important.

Rogi coughed for a second at that, then recovered. “Well, I was a teenage boy once myself. So, to see if I’m Good, Neutral or Evil, you’ll be checking the can?”

Jack was solemn but his blue eyes sparkled. “Well, I’m pretty sure you’re not Evil, or I wouldn’t be here.”

Rogi narrowed his eyes and pretended to look threatening. “You didn’t mention the quality, boy. What if I use… extra soft?”

Jack grinned. “We’re in trouble now.”

“Well, let me have a look,” Rogi said with a sigh. 

Once he did have a look, a bark of laughter escaped him despite himself.

There were three levels to the page, with each level containing three small cartoon-containing boxes, each with a scribbled description above. The first level was devoted to categories of Good – Lawful, Neutral and Chaotic. The toilet paper in these cartoons were arranged in various neat ways, as he would find if he went to his nephew Denis and Lucilles’ house, for example. The toilet papers in the next level down – Neutral – showed selfish or disinterested personalities at work. As for the bottom level of Evil…

Rogi looked at Marcel, the Maine Coon having a nap and then looked back at Jack.

“Well, according to this, fish face over there is Neutral Evil… he’s done _that_ to the toilet roll once or twice. Probably working up to Chaotic Evil, too.”

According to the accompanying picture, Neutral Evil showed a toilet roll whose paper had been pulled at until it was hanging down and making a pile upon the floor. Chaotic Evil, however, showed a destroyed toilet roll holder lying on the floor.

Marcel opened one eye then shut it again, pleased that his human slave had paid him some attention, as was his rightful due.

Rogi found himself wondering what category the Family Ghost would fit in, although the one thing the annoying, ethereal Lylmik wouldn’t be doing in a hurry was to queue in the supermarket to buy toilet paper. Even if it was extra soft. Rogi grunted. The Ghost had certainly brought chaos into his life, so it was the Chaos column for him, definitely. But he had saved Rogi’s life at least once. So, Chaotic Good perhaps? Hmm.

He looked down at the depiction of Lawful Evil, which showed a used up toilet roll on its holder. Pointing at it, Rogi said with remembered sourness, “This was my brother Donnie through and through. Replacing the toilet roll was for other people to do.”

Rogi shook his head. “So where do you think Marc fits on this?” he asked casually. Maybe too casually. That icy great-great grandnephew of his worried him sometimes.

Jack laughed. “Lawful Good, of course,” he said readily. “Marco always likes things straight forward.”

“Although,” Jack added thoughtfully, “If Marc thought it was important enough, he would redesign the whole toilet roll holder itself to be more efficient.”

Rogi had to agree with that. As for being Lawful Good… well, maybe for now, but he had the sinking feeling that Marc would prefer one day for everyone to obey _his_ laws on something.

“Of course,” Rogi said dryly, “you don’t really need toilet paper at all, Ti-Jean. Now that’s an advantage!”

Jack shrugged. “I can grow a digestive tract when I want. Besides, when I’m with others, it would look weird if I didn’t have a toilet break sometimes.”

Even Marc agreed with that, and he was quick to be irritable if he thought Jack was wasting too much time with a newly-created body to say, try as many flavours of ice cream as possible. Like a human would do.

Jack sometimes thought that if it were possible, Marc would happily swap places with him and not give it a second thought. Nor give a thought to ice cream, either. His gaze dropped to the box that said Lawful Evil, and even though it was a sunny day, for a moment Jack felt cold.

 

FINIS

**Author's Note:**

> The chart in this story actually exists – I saw someone post a link to it on a forum. There was no author mentioned, so unfortunately I can’t thank him / her personally for making me laugh. 
> 
> I started wondering which descriptions would suit the Exiles / Milieu characters, then I got the idea for a story. Aiken Drum would be in the Chaos column, definitely. I would argue that Abbadon is Lawful Evil – a villain, yes, but one who would keep a promise.


End file.
